Monday, May 25, 2009

Waiting Has Gotten Really Hard

I'm a bit of an emotional wreck. Sort of a roller coaster I'd say.

I'm having a really hard time with this waiting thing right now. Both of the kids were born by this time in pregnancy so in my head (even though I'm not to my "due date" yet) I'm overdue and should be done. But I'm not and I have no signs of labor. Nothing.

I carry everyone's birth inside of my mind. Every baby that has been born I remember the mom's birth story so I know all of the good and all of the bad that can happen. I occasionally wish for ignorance so I could shut off my brain and focus only on myself and my baby since that is the only one that really matters in my case.

Even though it isn't what I want, I find myself feeling jealous of those who have scheduled births because they know when their time is up. They know when it ends. They know when the baby will be part of the family and when life can move on. And here I sit with this waiting and it could go on and on and on. It could be tomorrow or it could be three weeks from now. Each day that passes and I wake up in the morning still with this baby tucked firmly inside me with nary a Braxton-Hicks contraction at night, it makes me want to cry. And I've been doing a lot of that lately.

I've become somewhat irrational. The neighbors across the street got a puppy and I want it. I feel like I need a dog. It is this super adorable 7 week old Spaniel puppy with the little curly haired ears and big black nose and the darling gumdrop eyes. I've been going over to their house every day for "baby time" with this dog and actually they aren't supposed to have the dog anyways because they are Muslim and it is against the religion to have a dog in the house. They can have the dog if they keep it outside, but my friend can't help herself with bringing it inside and sleeping with it because it is so widdle and adorable. I can't blame her. Anyways, so her sister mentioned to me that she is probably going to get rid of the dog and she really shouldn't have said that to me because now the fire is lit and I NEED this dog and I want to go get it and bring it home. All of my previous arguments over why we shouldn't have a dog right now seem pointless and meaningless. I know about the piddle on the carpet and "surprises" in corners and how puppies nip and chew and wake up too much and whimper at night. About how we already have two cats and how a puppy doesn't stay a puppy forever. None of it matters to me because when this puppy is on my lap I have a baby and it makes me happy. Ugh. I swear if I go on another week like this I'm making a trip to the Humane Society and checking out my options.

Anyways as far as the health of me and baby we're both good. I've gained my standard 40 lbs. Baby kicks a lot. I've got swollen feet and ankles and some heartburn, but other than that I feel ok. I keep trying to feel the position of the baby but it is hard for me sometimes to figure out what's what. I know baby is head down and is anterior so that's good. I'm good with my exercises and blah blah blah. I eat too much sugar though. Too much sugar.

Whatever. Anyways, I'm still here and if I'm writing another post like this next week then just know that I'm about to lose my mind. My due date is May 30. That's on Saturday.


fuentes said...

Hi Jamie

I hope your little on decides to arrive soon. I wanted to say that I think you look great! And I think I am a little crazy because seeing really pregnant woman already makes me miss being pregnant, maybe I should look into getting a puppy.

Iris said...

Poor Jamie,

I totally am feeling your anxiety. All I can advise you, is to keep busy, KEEP BUSY, KEEP BUSY!

And mainly,keep busy with something you don't normally do. I think that's why you're attracted to this puppy. It's something you don't normally do and it keeps your mind pre-occupied!

Are you already keeping busy with other things?

Laurel said...

I know what you mean about wanting a puppy, after I had my miscarriage I really wanted to get a kitten. Pets are a lot easier to come by than babies.

You look beautiful! I know it gets hard towards the end. Your baby will be here soon!

Therese said...

Wow what a beautiful picture of you! Your eyes are stunning in that picture! That puppy sounds like exactly what you need to keep your mind occupied and body relaxed. What does Jason think of getting a dog? :) Hang in there mama. Waiting is so hard, especially when its not going according to our plan. I remember being 41 weeks with Sarah and so happy when the doctor offered me 'the way out' with an induction. I was giddy to know the day- but ofcourse that option had many downfalls but you can sympathize with the women who are 'done' and take the doctor's 'way out'. Not you mama you, you are STRONG enough to surrender. God Bless you!

Therese said...

Haha! I must have had a feeling last night about you!! You had the baby before I wrote that last post! Congratulations and God bless you and your sweet baby girl!!